My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
You Might Also Like
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!