I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft