[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.