My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*