“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You Might Also Like
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]