me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I’m having an out of money experience.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.