2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Seems a bit forward
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Aw man, but that’s the best part
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Tremendous stuff
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one