Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
So inspired right now.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.