You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself