I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.