When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.