I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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HEYYYY MACARENA