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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though