Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler