saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
he chose this
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors