Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I did not eat the cake…
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”