“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.