Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat