At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no