[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
That de-escalated quickly
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker