Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Woke up against my better judgement again
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.