All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.