Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Holy moly