Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough