[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury