me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
let’s discuss
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.