Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs