Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.