Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
You Might Also Like
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me sliding into hell like
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.