“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
my mind
You just read my mind
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.