If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Leaving the Barbers like
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?