If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Seas the day!!!!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Leaving the Barbers like
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.