I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.