Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.