In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
quarantine day 3
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
This is so me 😂😂
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.