As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”