My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?