… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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