My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.