Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭