Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.