What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
an airline just for babies.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.