I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.