My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You Might Also Like
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time