I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.