Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]