I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Life is a suicide mission.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series