[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong