If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.