I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
PARKOUR
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
there’s probably a fee though
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute